It's almost midnight, and I can't sleep...
I guess it's getting to me that you are gone, mate.
I know that we weren't friends but we were college mates and also "grandads" of the group.
I just need to say goodbye.
First time I meet you was online. You were asking questions that sometimes were already answered, leaving your mic on so we could hear all the noises 😀. "Keith, your mic is on"- a daily occurrence in the chat room.
Then I saw you in the lab and you were exactly this same, this raw, no filter Keith.
We could not get to know each other because after the first month the lockdown kicked in so we lost that year.
I really experienced being around you only this past year and it was a journey.
I loved listening to your stories from your past experiences. Some of them made us laugh, and some of them made us shake heads or facepalm.
I believe that your passing robbed us of an extraordinary book that you could write and I think it would be a bestseller. It would be a comedy, drama, crazy and weird stuff 😀.
I must admit that you are everything that I imagine a New Yorker would be: loud, ambitious, an abundance of energy and elbowing his way through life to achieve a goal.
I had days when I could not cope with this energy. I am different from you. I am more introverted, you were loud out.
I want to apologise mate that I was quiet sometimes towards you. That's just the way I am. When I struggle or worry I just keep it inside and digest it. I don't want to involve anybody except a few that I trust. I put up that barrier of quietness that can be interpreted as I am angry with you. I wasn't.
I want you to know that I appreciated your company. "Youngins" don't get it but there were many days where I felt that I didn't belong(in my head) or I was too old, but then I looked at you or we talked and I felt that if Keith can do it so can I. You were my stress ball sometimes.
But sometimes...
I know one thing. I definitely not going to miss sitting next to you during a fecking test. Flipping hell mate. It was guaranteed that the very moment we start I will hear behind me "fuck", "shit" or you will shake your legs so violently that the whole bloody row will move.
I understand that it was your way of dealing with anxiety and stress. But it was also bloody distracting, and sometimes funny.
I must admit that I was in envy of you. I know that you were struggling just like myself but sometimes I thought that the stress wasn't affecting you. You seem to freak out in one moment, swear your way through it and then you were like nothing happened. I wished to be able to do it occasionally.
Also, you were never afraid to ask for help and I thought that if I do that then it will just prove my original assumption that I am too stupid for this course. I am happy to let you know that I am trying to ask for help more often these days. Still not there but fingers crossed.
Last time I saw you it was in the pub. After the early session in the pub after the exam, I came back that night and you were there, still 😉. How did you manage to stay on your feet since midday - I will never know. I would be passed out somewhere.
I remember you were you, but free. You were listening to some music on YouTube, in the middle of a smoking area, not giving a flying hoo-ha. I remember saying to you that you were away with the ferries and you just looked at me and danced to your tune. The fact that later on, you managed to get yourself kicked out was so you as well.
I want to apologise again mate, that I didn't check on you after that night. I should check how are you keeping? How are you dealing with everything? Are you happy?
Thank you for you mate. Whenever I will be looking back on my college time I will remember you. And these bloody exams 😀.
Rest in peace Keith.