Digital Estate Planning Script

Jeff: Pierce, you made us all drive to a warehouse in the middle of nowhere. You could at least tell us why.
Pierce: Hey, I know as much as you. I got a letter from the executor of my father's estate. It said to come out here with my seven closest friends.
Abed: You brought six.
Annie: Well, who else was he gonna bring?
Pierce: Levar Burton was a maybe.
Gilbert: Mr. Hawthorne.

[All gasp]

Gilbert: I apologize.
Pierce: Gilbert. Even from the grave, my father's got you by the short and curly salt and pepperies.
Gilbert: My name is Gilbert Lawson. I was Cornelius Hawthorne's assistant for over 30 years, and before that, I was just the teenager who read the Bible to him in the bath.
Britta: Ew.
Pierce: All right, all right. It's inheritance time. How 'bout that check, soul brother?
Gilbert: Your father did leave you something, but it's more of an activity.
Jeff: Thank you for keeping it as creepy as possible.
Abed: This looks like a multi-player gaming interface.
Troy: I've heard enough.
Pierce: Oh, that diabolical old fossil face. I asked him for money to invest in video games back in 1979.
Gilbert: Cornelius spent over 30 years developing a video game for you. It was his dying wish that you and seven of your closest friends would play it.
Pierce: Lavar Burton was a maybe.
Gilbert: So, please, choose a seat.
Abed: Cool.
Jeff: So a 100-year-old man designed a 30-year-old video game? This I've got to see.
Gilbert: Once you're seated behind your computers, a photograph of you will be taken and an avatar will be made from your likeness.
Troy: I didn't bring my likeness.

[Camera shutter clicking]

Gilbert: Don't smile. - All right, everyone, let's begin.

[Typing]
[Whizzing]

Troy: Nice!
Abed: Cool.
Troy: Old school.
Abed: Cool, cool, cool.
Britta: Which one is me? I assume nothing because I'm not racist.
Annie: Aww! We're adorable!
Shirley: Why did this thing take photos if it was going to completely fabricate random body shapes?
Jeff: That's what I'm saying! My hair looks good, though. Orange button is jump.

[Boinging]

Troy: Yeah!
Annie: Whee!
Pierce: Which guy am I?
Abed: There's a door here.

[Door clicks]

Hippie: Peace. Love.
Annie: What's that?
Abed: I think it's a hippie.
Hippie: Peace. Love.
Annie: Aww!
Troy: Annie, stop "awing" everything.
Annie: Don't be jaded. He's saying "peace." - Hello.
Hippie: Sex.
Annie: Did he say "sex"?
Hippie: Drugs. Sex.
Britta: Oh, my God.
Jeff: Hold on, I'm coming.
Annie: Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow!
Jeff: Darn! Shoot!
Jeff: Dang it. Um...
Troy: Jeff, you just murdered Annie.
Jeff: Well, better than doing nothing!
Abed: I'm not sure that's the case.
Shirley: That's debatable.
Jeff: You guys, help me.
Britta: The way you helped Annie?
Hippie: Sex.
Abed: Before we engage, we should hang back and study their tactics.
Jeff: What?
Hippie: Group sex.
Jeff: Oh, my God!

• SCENE CHANGE -

Annie: Oh, cool, I'm alive. - Pierce?
Pierce: This game makes no sense.
Annie: What happened to you?
Jeff: I don't want to talk about it.
Annie: Pierce, point the joystick right.
Pierce: So I'm supposed to just guess that? Where are the instructions?

[Overlapping chatter]

Troy: Yeah!
Britta: Take that! Take that! Yeah, we rule!
Abed: Oh, you guys are alive.
Annie: You re-spawn in the study room when you die.
Jeff: Here, I'll show you.
Shirley: Hey! Jeffrey! Shame on you!
Jeff: "Hang back and study their tactics"?
Abed: Let him get it out of his system.
Jeff: Ah, forget it. Let's just keep moving.

[Dinging]
[Electronic pulse]

Jeff: Now what?
Cornelius: Welcome to Hawkthorne.
Pierce: That's dad's voice. Dad?

[Electronic whoosh]

Cornelius: Piercinald, in 1980, you said that video games, not moist towelettes, were the business of the future. Today, moist towelettes are stocked in every supermarket, while arcade after arcade closes.
Troy: He's got a point.
Cornelius: Nevertheless, I designed this game to be played upon my death by you and whatever cabal of fruits, junkies, and sluts you call your friends.
Pierce: Her name is Britta.
Cornelius: Only one player can win... the first to reach my throne inside Castle Hawkthorne. Their reward, Pierce, will be your inheritance.
Britta: What?
Jeff: His inheritance? What?
Cornelius: So you see, Pierce, turns out you were right. Video games are important. Ha Ha Ha ! Worst son ever!
Pierce: Well, great. How do I fight you guys? Which button fights?
Troy: Pierce, stop.
Annie: Pierce, relax.
Abed: Pierce, stay in the game, stay in the game.
Jeff: Pierce, calm down. Nobody's gonna fight you.
Pierce: Why not?
Troy: Because when you're friends with someone for three years, it's weird to steal their family's money.
Abed: And there wouldn't be a lot of sport in beating you. Look at yourself.
Annie: Yeah, he's right.
Gilbert: You're playing the game wrong.

[All scream]

Pierce: Why is Harry Belafonte in here?
Gilbert: It's Gilbert. You're not supposed to cooperate, you're supposed to compete.
Jeff: Thanks for the advice, but I think we can choose how we want to play.
Gilbert: I suppose we can.
Pierce: Is he being ominous? Why are you being ominous?

[High-pitched beeps]

Abed: Whoa. We can pick stuff up?
Gilbert: This game is more complex than you can imagine. And aside from its programmers, who have all been deported back to China, I'm the one who knows how it works.

[Screaming and overlapping chatter]

Abed: Run, run! He's gonna throw a knife! He's gonna throw a knife! Go! Jump! Jump!

[Screaming and yelling]

Jeff: Wah!

[Descending electronic tone]
[Fast-paced music]

Pierce: Wait! What are you...?

[Beeps]

Pierce: He's a psychopath! He's suffo...

[Electronic tones]
[Descending tone]

• SCENE CHANGE -

Gilbert: [Laughs] Yeah.
Jeff: Hey, look, buddy, I know it must have sucked being colonel Sanders' manservant and all, but Pierce is technically our friend, and we're not gonna watch you screw him over.
Gilbert: Perhaps you should be asking yourselves how you intend to stop me.
Pierce: How about if we come over there and kick your ass? Go get him, Troy.
Gilbert: Be my guest. But 30 seconds after you leave your chairs, the weight sensors will recognize it as an automatic forfeit.
All: Weight sensors?

[Whizzing]

Jeff: That's it. Let's get that jag!
All: Yeah! Get him!
Annie: Kick that hippie's ass!
All: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Annie: Let's go! Move, move, move!
Troy: I think he left a note.
Shirley: What?
Abed: "After you've squandered the last of your savings, I'll watch you writhe, penniless, in the gutter, through a telescope in the penthouse office of Hawthorne Tower."

[Musical tones]

Abed: You can leave notes. This game is incredible.
Shirley: Pierce?

[Electronic pulse]

Abed: No, Pierce!
Annie: Please, no!
Britta: Oh God.
Shirley: We need you!
Pierce: Just let me die.
Britta: Pierce, so Gilbert knows a couple tricks. Big deal. We outnumber him. And most importantly, while he's fighting for greed, we're fighting for friendship, which means we can't lose, okay?
Pierce: Okay.
Britta: Okay!

[Descending tone]

Britta: I guess there's no hug button.

• SCENE CHANGE -

Jeff: Everybody, keep Pierce protected. We have to get him to the Throne of Hawkthorne before Gilbert. And don't forget, when you die, you go all the way back to the study room. So... Don't die.
Annie: Good pep talk, Jeff.
Shirley: Yeah, I used to love dying, but that speech really turned me around.
Jeff: Whatever.

[Peaceful music playing]

Pierce: What's that? Kill it!
Troy: It's a girl milking a cow, Pierce.
Abed: I'll check it out. I owe Jeff that.
Jeff:I wasn't gonna say it.
Hilda: I am Hilda. I live in the village.
Pierce: Lesbian.
Annie: Shh!

[Electronic tones]
[Beeps]

Hilda: I can help with that. I have information on many topics.
Abed: Cool.

[Beep]

Hilda: The throne is in Castle Hawkthorne, north of here. You unlock the castle with the white crystal of discipline, which you must free from the black caverns.
Shirley: I'm picking up on some hidden symbolism.
Pierce: Right, "white crystal." You think dad was into meth?
Troy: You can usually get supplies in a town like this. Man, why can't my mom be here? She always said my video game knowledge would come in handy. I never believed her.
Jeff: Everybody split up and take a hut. Our only chance of beating Gilbert is to cover more ground.

[Beeps]

Hilda: I have information on the following topics.

[Electronic tones]
[Beeps]

Abed: Holy crap. Where have you been my whole life?

• SCENE CHANGE -
  [Hammering tones]

Blacksmith: I buy and sell weapons and armor.

[Electronic tones]

Annie: Cool. We need weapons.

[Beeps]

Annie: Ooh. Well, what's free? Can we have a torch?
Blacksmith: Thief! Thief!
Shirley: Annie, put it back.
Annie: Sorry. Sorry.
Blacksmith: Arr! Arr!
Annie: Sorry, sorry, sorry! Oh, my God!
Shirley: Oh, oh! Oh, no!
Shirley: What are you doing?
Annie: It was an accident!
Blacksmith: Arrr!
Shirley: He's dying!
Blacksmith: Arrrrrr!
Annie: All right, hold on, hold on!
Blacksmith: Arrr! Arrr!
Shirley: Now what are you doing?
Annie: He was suffering!
Shirley: Yeah, from axe wounds!

• SCENE CHANGE -

Troy: Well, if this isn't worth any points, what is?
Pierce: You're asking me? I'm still looking for a pong paddle.
Dealer: Let's play poker.
Pierce: Oh, now we're talking.

• SCENE CHANGE -

Jeff: Check the desk. I'll check the dresser.
Britta: How do I straighten that painting?
Jeff: You can't. Stop playing like a girl.

[Electronic tones]
[Beep]

Britta: Stop playing like a girl? Here's the thing about women, Jeff. We don't hack and slash our way through life because we're one with life.

• SCENE CHANGE -

Annie: Help me hide the body.
Shirley: Oh, my lord. Oh, my lord.
Annie: Shirley, these things happen in video games.
Shirley: They do?
Annie: Yes. We can't get hung up on real world morality. We need to survive and win.
Blacksmith wife: Hello, I'm the blacksmith's wife... Aah! Help!
Annie: Oh, crap!
Shirley: Guard the door.
Annie: What?

[Beeps]

Annie: Shirley!
Shirley: No witnesses! Grab everything you can carry. I'll check upstairs for any more family. -Don't give me that look. These are your loose ends. I'm just tying 'em up.

• SCENE CHANGE -

Abed: This is so cool. -Where are your clothes?
Troy: Pierce taught me poker. I'm not good at it. You still talking to this girl?
Abed: Yeah, she only has three moves that you activate with basic patterns of stimulus. I've never felt this way before.
Pierce: Abed, don't get weird.
Abed: Oh, I won't. She's not ready for anything serious, but she wants me to meet her family.
Hilda: My father is the blacksmith.
Abed: Her father's a blacksmith.
Shirley: Hello!
Annie: Everybody go shopping? That's all we did.
Abed: Is that hut on fire?
Shirley: Oh, my. What an unexplained tragedy.

• SCENE CHANGE -

Jeff: Don't we look comfy at a cauldron.
Britta: Check it out.

[Electronic tones]
[Beeps]

Britta: Ooh, see, I'll put all of this in here, and then that, and then I'll hit this.

[Electronic pulses]

Jeff: What is it?
Britta: I assume, like, a strength potion.
Jeff: Then I assume it's poison.
Britta: You're just jealous because we found a world where I know what I'm doing.
Jeff: This place is 20 cat turds and a Pixies poster from being your apartment.

[Hilda Crying]

Pierce: What's with the St. Pauli girl?
Abed: Hilda's parents lived there. Now she has no family. She'll be forced to marry a male villager or take her chances in the wilderness.
Troy: What kind of game is this? -Oh, crap, it's Gilbert.
Pierce: Well, well, well. Looks like someone's one step behind.
Annie: Yeah, if you're looking for equipment, tough luck. The store was lost in a freak accident.
Gilbert: I hardly need equipment, young lady. While you were shopping, I gained enough levels to do this.
Shirley: Oh!
Troy: Come on and bring it! -Ah! He's shooting lightning and I'm naked!
Annie: Get behind us! We have armor!
Shirley: Oh! Whoa!
Annie: Aah!
Jeff: Oh, great! Gilbert! Oh, great! Evil Jedi lightning Gilbert! -Britta, drink that super strength potion you made.
Britta: Oh, right, right, right, right.
Jeff: Hurry up, Britta!
Britta: I'm trying, I'm trying! Aah!
Jeff: Damn it, I thought we could count on Britta to not screw up drinking.
Gilbert: This'll be fun.

[Electronic pulses]

Gilbert: What the hell?
Jeff: Here's hoping we can count on her to screw up making potions.

[Music playing]
[Groans - Gilbert Dies]
[Descending tone]
[Cheering]

Troy: Unbelievable. Jeff bet all our lives on Britta and won, and I lost my pants to a pair of nines.

• SCENE CHANGE -
  [Whiz]
  [Sighs]

Gilbert: Very well. Let's play.

[Typing]

• SCENE CHANGE -

Jeff: Abed, are you sure about this?
Abed: Yeah. It just feels like the right thing to do.
Britta: Hey, I made it back. You guys never died. How did you beat Gilbert?
Shirley: Oh, you know. Teamwork.
Troy: We were headed for the black caves to find the white crystal. We were just saying goodbye to Abed.
Abed: I'm gonna stay here in the village with Hilda and help her rebuild her life.
Britta: Abed, she's a program.
Abed: People have said similar things about me.
Pierce: Uh-oh. He's playing the rain man card. Let's bounce. I've got an inheritance to win.

• SCENE CHANGE -
  [Music playing]
  [Swooping tone]

Britta: Offensive. Called it.
Jeff: Shut up, Britta.

[Swooping tone]

Pierce: You did great in there, Jeff.
Jeff: Shut up, Pierce.

[Beep]
[Musical tones]

• SCENE CHANGE -

Troy: Okay, duck. Stay ducked. Okay, unduck. Okay, now jump. I think we're almost there.
Jeff: Thank God. This cave is the worst.
Britta: I know, I don't know what's more offensive... the actual racism or the insulting notion that it might somehow rub off on us.

[Turkey gobbling]

Britta: Look out! Jive turkeys! Kill them before they start multiplying!

[Overlapping grunts, groans, and chatter]

Annie: Gobble that! Ha! Yeah, suck on this!
Shirley: Take that, jive turkey!

[Groans]
[Turkey gobbling]
[Swooping tone]

Troy: All right! The white crystal!
All: Whoo! Yeah!
Troy: Get it! Get it!
Pierce:I'll take it. I've earned it by having friends.

• SCENE CHANGE -
  [Music playing]

Jeff: This is it.

[Cheering]

Gilbert: It certainly is.
Jeff: No, man!
Annie: You again?
Gilbert: Now I'll have that crystal.
Annie: I think you'll have this.

[Zapping]

Annie: Whoops.
Troy: Arrows!

[Dinging]
[Electronic pulses]

Troy: What? Come on!

[Electronic tones]
[Beeps]

Pierce: Where'd you get all that stuff? You've only been alive for an hour.

[Swooping tone]
[All screaming]
[Swooping tone]
[All screaming]
[Electronic tones]

• SCENE CHANGE -

Britta: Well, that was not fair.
Jeff: What the hell, Gilbert? You're cheating, which I have no problem with, but you're getting caught, and that's not cool!
Pierce: Yeah, don't be a knob. That inheritance is rightfully mine!
Gilbert: Rightfully?
Pierce: I'm his son.
Gilbert: So am I.
Shirley: Oh...
Pierce: What? That can't be true. You're half... white.
Jeff: Nice save.
Gilbert: Do you remember your childhood nanny, Etta? Well, Etta had a hot cousin. My mother. So you see, Pierce, I am your half-brother, and I am more your father's son than you ever were, so shut up and play the game.
Pierce: Why you...
Jeff: Let's go, Pierce.

[Whizzing]

• SCENE CHANGE -

Jeff: Okay, look, I know things seem hopeless because he's all the way to the castle with the crystal and we're starting over, but here's the thing... we're better at this game now. We've died and been reborn, and that makes us heroes.

[Cheering]

Troy: Charge!
Britta: Let's get him!

[All screaming]
[Descending tone]

• SCENE CHANGE -
  [Foreboding music]

Annie: I guess the fact that we're still playing means he hasn't won yet.
Pierce: Yeah, but what's the point? He'll just keep cheating until he wins.
Britta: Why are all the trees cut down?
Troy: Isn't this where Abed's village was?
Abed: Hello, old friends.
Troy: Abed!
Abed: You remember Hilda.
Hilda: I live in the village. I love Abed.
Jeff: Did she just say your name?
Abed: Yeah, if you max out a character's trust and affection levels, you can gain access to a front-end scripting language. Watch.

[Beeps]

Baby: Cool cool cool!
Abed: She can make babies for me.
Troy: Oh, and I can't? I can't.
Abed: Come on inside. I built this from scratch. Check out my castle.
Shirley: Oh, it's nice.
Jeff: Wow.
Britta: I hope this isn't blood gold.
Abed: This is my family. Baby Abed has my eyes and her bonnet. Each baby is capable of executing custom code, which means you can write a code that makes one baby tell another baby what to do, much like real children on a playground.
Annie: Oh, Abed, but...
Jeff: Annie, let's find the tin man's heart later. Abed, how much stuff do you have here and what can we make with it?
Abed: That depends.
Jeff: On?
Abed: On what you can imagine.
Babies: Cool, cool, cool.

• SCENE CHANGE -

Cornelius: Welcome, you are the first to make it to the Throne of Hawkthorne. Let me take a look at you. According to your complexion, I think you might be Gilbert Lawson. Is this true? Just a moment. -Hello, Gilbert. Due to the nature of our relationship, I'll need your electronic signature on this legally-binding agreement.

[Musical tones]

Cornelius: It dictates that you will never, ever besmirch the Hawthorne name with any outlandish notions regarding your genealogical origins. You are the bastard offspring of a colored seductress and an unknown, weak-willed miscegenist... It's a simple question, Gilbert. Do you agree?
-Thank you for being honest, Gilbert.
Gilbert: No! I'm your son!
Cornelius: I'm sorry, Gilbert. I always knew you'd disappoint me.
Babies: Cool cool cool! Cool cool cool!
Cornelius: Ah, I see you've chosen teamwork. A coward's strategy. I will upgrade your challenge accordingly. Ha!

[Grunts]
[Electronic whooshing]

Cornelius: I bequeath my fortune to no inferiors.

[Electronic gunfire]

Troy: Yeah!
Abed: Attack!
Cornelius: What's this now? Ha Ha Ha!
Shirley: Whoo hoo hoo hoo! Here we go!
Jeff: Get him! Aim for the joints!
Babies: Cool cool cool! Cool cool cool!
Jeff: Take that!
Britta: Get him!Die, racism!

[Groans]
[Electronic gunfire]

Troy and Abed: Troy and Abed shooting lava!

[Laughter]

Troy: Yeah!

[Groaning]

Annie: Take that!

[Laughs]

All: Aah! Aah! Oh, no! Aah!

[Laughs]

Pierce: Hey! Look at me now, dad!

[Thunk]

Cornelius: Aah!

[Groans]
[Boulders crashing]

Cornelius: [Labored breathing] I suppose you're wondering, player, why record myself breathing weird and letting you destroy me? Because I am a man of honor, so you've earned the pleasure of my death.
Gilbert: But I didn't. I'm not the one that beat you.
Pierce: Yes, you are.
Britta: We're forfeiting.
Game System: Warning. Player forfeit in 30.
Pierce: Gilbert, you're right. You were more his son than me. You took all his crap and you didn't even get to take his name.
Gilbert: He once sat on me in church just so he could see better.
Pierce: We've only been playing this game a couple of hours. You've been playing it your whole life, and now it's time for your reward, brother. So get in there and kill our dad.
Gilbert: Thank you, Pierce.
Pierce: Wait a second. Here, take this.
Annie: Oh!
Troy: Whoa!
Pierce: You may need it.
Jeff: Oh, Pierce. You really don't know how this works, do you?
Annie: Are you always carrying that?
Pierce: Not in the shower.

[Sighs]
[Click, explosion]
[Electronic beeps]
[Winning music playing]
[Fireworks exploding]

Gilbert: I'd like to thank you again for today and offer my apologies for my conduct. I wasn't myself. Family can make a person do a lot of crazy things.
Troy: I understand. I have an uncle who makes his own pizza.
Shirley: Don't worry about it.
Britta: Yeah, totally.
Gilbert: If it would make it up to any of you in any way, there's a bar in town called Skeepers, and I hear they make a specialty drink... a Margarita, in fact, and it's served in a glass an entire yard long. My treat.
Britta: Score.
Pierce: This is the greatest day of my life. I've always wanted to have a brother. Hey, hey, settle a bet. The word "mulatto," is it okay or just borderline?
Britta: We apologize for him.
Gilbert: Oh, that's okay. He's family.

[Typing]

Abed: Hilda, my love, I said I'd come back for you.

• CREDIT SEQUENCE -

Troy: I just think that in a parallel universe, Blorgons are...
Abed: Hold on. A baby. I wasn't expecting this.
Troy: Guess we'll have to support it.
Abed: I guess I could get some kind of job, maybe at Beans and More. I'll probably have to work double shifts, but...
Troy: Oh, I see. While you're off, climbing the ladder at Beans and More, I'll just stay home and raise him alone. That's fine. I'll just give up on my dreams.
Abed: Here we go.
Troy: What? He needs to learn a strong man can cry.

[ A Wild Mom Appears !! ]

Abed: So, what were you saying about Blorgons?
Troy: Blorgons... in this other universe, they're actually called Glorbons...